Facing Fears

I really would like to write about happy and uplifting things. I follow a blog called 71toes.blogspot.com that is all about cherishing motherhood and enjoying the little things in the lives of children. The mom-blogger seems to be a very positive woman who, in spite of her challenges, keeps a bright and sunny perspective on just about everything. I would love to be that way. But all I seem to do is complain and moan and whine about all that is going awry in my life.

So in keeping with my tradition, I will tell you I have nailed down what my very worst fear is in my whole existence.

Do you know what fear you have that makes your heart pump and the adrenaline surge? Have you ever been brought to your knees weeping and crying like a child, tears streaming, mumbling incoherently? I, like many, have a "fear" of the typical things like spiders, the weak-in-the-knees fear of heights, airplane take-offs, and getting cancer. This fear trumps those by leaps and bounds.

Nothing, I mean NOTHING compares to thinking you may never see your child again. Your own flesh and blood. I took Eva with me to Kohl's this morning to check out the sale they were having on Sketchers Shape Ups. We then walked all around the store. I didn't think about using a cart with a baby seat because I wasn't planning on getting much. It was just an opportuninty for us to walk and stretch our legs and not freeze our toushies outside. We stopped to look at girls' socks. She was playing in the clothing racks, trying on big fuzzy slippers left on the floor by someone else, and showing me colorful things she'd find. When it was time to move on to the clearance racks in the boys clothes, I turned around to pick her up and go but she wasn't where I had seen her just seconds before. I crouched down on the floor to look under the racks but couldn't see her legs. I went to the main aisle looking up and down, crossed to the infants clothing and got down again to look. A shopper with her 2 kids saw me and heard me calling Eva's name and asked if everything was okay. I told her I couldn't find my baby and described her. She and her kids started helping me look. They went to the toys to look while I kept searching and calling her name like a crazy woman through the rest of the side where we had been. When I asked an employee moments later to help me look is when I really started to lose my composure. I heard her make a call over the PA system and then it seemed like people started to come out of the clothing racks to help. The mom who first helped me told another woman to stay with me while others went around the store. I was crying, kneeling on the floor, praying and nearly hyperventilating in a funk thinking about all the terrible people in the world doing terrible things to my child. I tried to get up to help, but felt like I was one of those stupid people on tv who get slapped then yelled at to get a grip. Can you picture it?

As I finally managed to stand I saw the wonderful woman who first came to my rescue holding my baby. As she got closer to me I noticed Eva was crying, too. The woman told me she found her lying on the floor in the women's dressing room, crying. I hugged Eva so close as she sobbed and I sobbed. I am glad I had regained enough wherewithal to thank that angel and even I gave her a hug. Even as we left the store my head was still spinning with the remnants of panic and what-ifs.

This is my greatest fear. To lose a child. For some reason it was even worse than taking her to the ER in an ambulance. I knew she was okay then and would continue to improve. She never left my sight. I have a new respect for parents who have a child go missing. Even if mine was only missing for five minutes or less. It felt like two weeks. God bless the families whose children haven't been seen in months or years. And God bless their children.

Enough Already!!

This past year, and this new one, have brought our family challenges we never thought we would have to deal with. Most of all the health crises that seem to repeat themselves again and again. Not many have been life threatening, but they are just irksome enough to leave one discouraged.

We took Lauren to InstaCare in February last year to get stitches in her chin after she fell off the toilet at my parent's house. The day before Christmas Eve, we took her in again for more stitches in her chin for slipping in the bathtub.

Caleb woke up one morning last winter with a fat lip and achy mouth. We took him to the dentist who told us his tooth was abcessed and needed to be pulled out. The swelling went down and the tooth fairy finally remembered to come. (It was her first time coming to our house.)

Then in August, just after school started for Caleb, he came home one day saying his gut hurt. Through the process of elimination, and help from a priesthood blessing, we decided it was necessary to take him to InstaCare. There it was diagnosed that he had appendicitis and we rushed him up to Primary Children's Medical Center. He had his appendix removed before midnight that same day.

Lauren hurt her foot while jumping off furniture and for a day or two after complained about pain in her foot. So we took her to the same InstaCare for an X-ray, only to find out it was sprained, and there was nothing to do for her except keep her from jumping around.

Now on to Eva. She has had croup twice this winter. The first time, earlier in December, I took her to the pediatrician's office. She was prescribed the typical steroid medication to reduce swelling in the airway. She seemed to get better. Then just a few nights ago, Sunday, January 16, to be exact, the cold she had developed worsened to the point we were scared she wasn't getting enough oxygen. She was so raspy and gurgly when she breathed. We decided to take her to InstaCare, since it was a weekend and afterhours. (All of our crises, when we have been to InstaCare, have been afterhours--go figure.) The nurse measured her blood oxygen and heart rate and found the O2 low and heart rate high. The doctor was alarmed by this, so he called an ambulance to take her to Primary Children's ER. What trauma for poor Eva. She screamed during her breathing treatment, screamed whenever the nurse put the device on her foot to measure her O2 and heart rate. In fact, whenever she heard the door click open, she would start screaming because she knew it meant someone else was coming in to stick something in her face. We were discharged before midnight, and she is doing much better. She still has a cough and stuffy nose.

Back to Caleb: When school started up again after the holidays, he got a relapse of a stomach bug he'd been having on and off since around Thanksgiving. He felt well enough to go to school on the first day back, but by midmorning I got a call from his school. It scared me. I thought he was calling because he'd thrown up or had an accident. Not so. It was Caleb on the phone, but he said he found an itchy rash on his back and could I come to school to take a look at it. Over the next couple of days, we watched it progress across his back, under his left arm and across his chest. He also complained about pain in his arm and chest. We took him to the pediatrician and she diagnosed him with shingles. SHINGLES!? Are you kidding me!! We think it may be a delayed reaction to the chicken pox vaccine. He is doing much better, after a round of anti-viral meds, and the rash is all but gone.

Last of all, I kept feeling a strange popping in my lower abdomen. Last fall I went to a general surgeon and she confirmed my suspicions that I have a hernia that needs to be repaired with surgery. We are going to try to get that done later this coming summer.

So, all these illnesses and injuries are on top of all the colds and stomach flus and fevers we have had. I apologize if all this is such a downer. I just had to get it all off my chest. Please, if you think about it and remember, pray for our family to have a healthier year.